Prayer Service for Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss
While living in New York, my husband was attending seminary at St Vladimir’s Orthodox Seminary and during a chilly evening in October, the seminary hosted a special prayer service for those who lost a child (or children) due to miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. While standing in the nave hearing the prayers and hymns sung, I had tears pouring down my face. It was the first time that my precious child who died in my womb was prayed for and acknowledged publicly. I looked around the room and I was surprised by how many were in attendance. Afterwards, we all shared many hugs and tears. It was such a healing experience, not only to have our losses acknowledged, but also to share our grief with one another who also lost babies. It was a profound experience I can hardly explain.
Having attended this prayer service, I knew that we needed to bring this tradition to our current parish. This past year we hosted our first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Prayer Service. It was a wonderful evening, and I can’t wait to tell you more about it. The purpose of this blogpost is to share how we planned this event and to provide resources for your parish to host one!
Scroll down to host your own Pregnancy and Infant Loss Prayer Service
For resources for miscarriage from an Orthodox perspective, check out this blogpost:
Miscarriage Resources
In this blogpost, you will find some resources both for the one who is grieving and the one who wishes to help but doesn’t know how.
October has been deemed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The statistics show that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. More than likely you or others in your parish have experienced a miscarriage 💔 Mothers who suffer a miscarriage may experience depression, anxiety, illogical thoughts, and nightmares- sometimes for months or years. In Orthodox Church, the church is often described as a spiritual hospital, or a hospital for the soul. It is in the Church that we find the true healing, by drawing near to Christ. I also love that in our Churches we pray frequently for those who have gone to their rest before us. Although we have the opportunity to pray for those who have lost children due to miscarriage, still birth and infant loss, having a designated time each year to publicly pray for and acknowledge these significant losses. I personally have experienced a profound sense of peace after praying together as a community for all the babies and infants who have died. Below are the various prayer services and resources available in the Orthodox Church:
Prayer Service:
Prayers for Miscarriage and Stillbirth
Service of Intercession for Parents Grieving a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Loss of a Child This Service of Supplication, which is also known as Paraklesis or Molieben, is one that can be celebrated at any time there is a need. This service is often celebrated on October 15 - Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day and includes specific petitions for families and their babies who have died
Service of Prayer for a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
A prayer service which can be said at the time of loss or anytime thereafter from the OCAPrayer Service for the Burial of a Stillborn or Miscarried Infant
For those who are going through a miscarriage, or a missed miscarriage, she may find help for the next days in these prayers. Read them here.
Additional Resources:
Comforting those who mourn
An article on Pregnancy Loss AwarenessChild Loss Pastoral Guide
A pastoral guide for clergy. Here is a link to the Comforting Parents Handout that can be printed to share with your parish.
This service can be as simple as offering prayers. That alone would be a blessing to any community. If you have an interest in offering this to your community, the best way is to approach your priest for his blessing and share with him the prayers above (particularly Service of Intercession for Parents Grieving a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Loss of a Child ) to see if this is something he would be willing to offer to your community.
Planning the Date:
This service can be done at any time. In fact the service itself is intended to be prayed for by a priest for the couple who lost a child. So this can be done individually or in a corporal prayer setting. We chose to host it during the month of October since it deemed Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This can be done at any time, however. Do not feel restricted to only hosting this during October. We also had a number of parishioners who had experienced late term miscarriages and infant loss, so it seemed timely to host it in October.
My husband (our head priest) decided we would pray it after evening Vespers on Wednesday since that is a day we usually meet together as a community. Once we settled on the date, we created a flyer to share both on the Church’s social media and for the bulletin. You can use my invite template (totally editable) or you can create your own. I find that it is most helpful to let people know a few weeks in advance so they can arrange their scheduled and even invite others to attend as well.
After receiving a blessing from your priest, you can share with him the service text provided by the OCA. He may be aware of other texts available, but this is the one we happened to use.
Making it Special:
Hosting this prayer service alone will be such a blessing to your parish. Praying together is the best way to honor these precious lives. That being said, our women’s group wanted to make this evening a little more special by adding some personal touches. Here are some ways we made the evening extra special. I am sure you can come up with your own ways to make it special for your community!
Votive Candles:
We set up a table in the narthex with specially made votive candles that had an icon sticker of “He who loves the Innocent” icon on it. A young adult from our parish discovered how to make these into a sticker, but they could easily be printed and modge podged onto the votive candle. We displayed the icon of “Rachel Weeping for her Children are No More” icon that my dear Goddaughter Caitie commissioned for us after our miscarriage. On the other side of the table, we printed a sign (HERE) that explained “if you have lost a child, please take a candle home with you, memory eternal”. We felt that having a token to bring home to light and remember their babies would be a sweet consolation. I noticed families taking multiple candles, representative of their many losses. This brought me both joy and sorrow witnessing it. I personally took one and now light it on the day that child was born into the arms of Christ. It has been a sweet way for me to honor my child lost to miscarriage.
Luminaries:
We lined up the walkway leading up to the Church with some luminaries, which are essentially white paper bags with a little sand in the bottom and a tea light. This is something commonly seen in the South. You can find some electric luminaries lights/kids on Amazon. It was a simple and beautiful touch. Since we hosted some refreshments outside afterwards, as we exited the Church, it was a beautiful path illuminating the darkness. So as you left the service, you would follow the light filled path and immediately would be greeted with a table with warm drinks and baked goods. Our hope was it was like in a big warm hug. We see you. We love you, and we want to share in your burdens, because we care about you and your babies who died.
Additionally, you can use Luminaries to have those in attendance write the names of the children who were lost because of infant loss, stillbirth and miscarriage! Check out these photos from a recent service from @eleni_amelia.
Photo credit @eleni_amelia
Photo credit @eleni_amelia
Refreshments:
As I mentioned above, we offered refreshments, which was warm (and cold) apple cider and pumpkin spice muffins afterwards. We hosted this service on a Wednesday which is a fasting day, so we ensured that the treats were lenten. You, of course, can choose anything you’d like to offer. I find that offering food for any event elevates it and communicates “we want you here!” We asked several ladies in our ladies group to bake a few dozen treats to offer after the service and help serve them. They were blessed to be able to serve our community in this way!
Another option is to include Koliva which is a wheat berry dish often served for memorials that can be blessed and distributed. This is appropriate of course as we are praying for those who have gone to their rest before us.
Photo credit @eleni_amelia
Flowers:
I loved the way @eleni_amelia decorated the icon used for this service. Sharing her photos from their miscarriage and infant loss service this year.
Final Thoughts:
When I had a miscarriage, before my oldest was born, the Church was instrumental in the healing/grieving process, which I am so thankful for. It’s an often silent pain, but because my miscarriage was rather “public,” I have had many women reach out to me to tell me the news of their miscarriages, and have allowed me to pray with them. Even several years later, I have walked with upwards to 40 women who have suffered miscarriages and stillbirth. It’s become an unexpected ministry, so to speak, to hold space for their grief and share in their burdens. I love that our faith allows space for those who are grieving, knowing that all suffering is a participation in Christ’s suffering, and Christ is close to the brokenhearted. This topic is one that is VERY close to my heart and I long to hug every woman who has lost a child, so they know that the Lord loves them, and loves their baby, and the first thing they saw when they opened their eyes was the face of Jesus. If you’d like more resources and information on miscarriage, check out this blogpost:
Whatever you do, may it be blessed!
-Khouria Destinie
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I recently had an epiphany while on a hill overlooking a funeral at a monastery. Grief is something that can be shared universally. Words do no not have to be spoken to understand the depth of someone’s loss.... I saw the pain flicker across the wife’s face as she looked at her husband finally at peace. Knowing this was going to be the last time she saw him here. My heart squeezed for her. I knew this feeling. This aching in your heart. Being surrounded by loved ones and feeling so alone. How it bounces back and forth between anguish and joy that your loved one is no longer with you, but they’re not suffering anymore.